WELCOME TO THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want.  Stay on the line and we will trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic, press 6-9, 6-9, 6-9, 6-9.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until the beep.  After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have a short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem, hang up.  All our operators are too busy to talk to you.