HMMM
Did you
ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take
him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Steve Bluestone
Have you
ever noticed.... Anybody going slower
than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
You have to
stay in shape. My grandmother, she
started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the
heck she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
I think men
who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I would
love to speak a foreign language but I can't.
So I grew hair under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky
I'm not
into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
I have a
great diet. You're allowed to eat
anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
The second
day of a diet is always easier than the first.
By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
I went into
a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you
like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno
I date this
girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Leacock
The reason
most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in
otherwise.
Roger Simon
You have a
cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box
of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
I'm
desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it
weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend
two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate
it to the Salvation Army instead.
They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
- What is
the speed of dark?
- When
you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- Why are
there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
- If women
wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they
wear a pair of bras?
- How come
you never hear about gruntled employees?
- What is a
"free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- After
eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
- If white
wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- What's
another word for synonym?
- If
someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered
a hostage situation?
- When sign
makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
- Where do
forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why isn't
there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why are
builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book
publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- How can
there be self-help groups?
- Why do
you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why are
cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- If a cow
laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- Why are
there interstate highways in
- Why is it
that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you
transport something by ship, its called cargo?
- Why do we
play in recitals and recite in plays?
- Why isn't
phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Where are
Preparations A through G?
- Are there
seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
- If knees
were backwards, what would chairs look like?
- When you
open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
- When your
pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting
there, staring at carpeting?
- What
happened to the first 6 "ups"?
- If an
orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
- Why does
your nose run, and your feet smell?
- If olive
oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- Hermits
have no peer pressure.
- Whenever
I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
- There's a
fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..
- How much
deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
- What a
nice night for an evening.
- When I
was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by
8:15." I said, "The middle of
August? Cool!"
- Did
- I just
got skylights put in my place. The
people who live above me are furious.
- I live on
a one-way dead-end street.
- It
doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
-
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
- I was
hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped.
I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
- I played
a blank tape on full volume. The mime
who lives next door complained.
- Why in a
country of free speech, are there phone bills?
- When a
man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95
per minute.
- Before
you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a
mile away from him and you have his shoes.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On m desk I have a work station....
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older. Then it dawned on me-they were cramming for their finals.
- If you were
under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go
anywhere you want?
- If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98
degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
- What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
- If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time,
wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
- Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
- If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
- How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
- Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of
Christmas?
- When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you
actually slap your thigh?
- Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom
weighs 30 lbs more?
- Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
- If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
- Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
- Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no
"o" in number?
- Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be
more fun to eat a big one?
Dennis
Miller
1. I went
to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She
said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
2. And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word
"Lisp"
3. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman
around to hear him, is he still wrong?
4. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a
hostage situation?
5. Is there another word for synonym?
6. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"
7. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
8. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
9. If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
10. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
11. Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break
in and clean them?
12. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
13. If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
14. Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
15. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
16. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clown because they taste funny?
17. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?